Blunt!

Yes I am still confused and I will never figure myself out completely because simply I don't think this is possible for anyone. We change too much, life turns out to be totally different from everything you ever thought possible and then as you are put there, on the spot, to deal with all those things, you never know how you will react... so when people say... "I'd do this or that", don't even bother listening... they are not you, they do not feel like you and that's it.

Someone today as I went on and on about my life, asked me, if I knew what I wanted... in life... love... whatever.

The thing is... I did but I lost it! And That is life. It seems like you get what you wished for, and then it gets taken away by God or fate, whatever you want to call it and you are forced to create new dreams and new objectives and fight for them like if all that was really easy to be done.
And It is not! I mean. I am now, living a life I hardly know. I never wanted any of this. I never wanted the life I have now. I can't change anything! I am stuck! All I am doing is facing things as they come along! And guess what? I am not enjoying the ride! Where did my dreams go? What objectives am I supposed to have now that all has changed and those objectives that I had in the past just got blown away along with the people who shared them with me!

I still want what i wanted before. I want my dreams back and the chance to fight for them even if in different circumstances but it seems like it is not in the stars... it's just not for me!
It is devastating. I feel alone. I feel left out from my on life! I just want to lay in bed and die... And sometimes, just now, as I write this really confusing, burst out of emotions in words... It seems so clear that the problem is ... I am just a confused, messed up person, with a lot of time on her hands ...