I love You

I found this man, that treats me like no one else has ever treated me, he tells me I am his princess and not only that, he also treats me as one! I feel close to him in ways that I would never be able to explain. I try so hard not to mess things up with him that I get over jealous, over paranoid and I create a whole bunch of lies in my mind... and then as I hear his voice, look in his eyes or feel his touch, all of those are gone... and I feel whole, and I feel like myself again! I chose him I fell in love slowly, we opened our hearts to each other a bit at a time... But last weekend he surprised me with " I love you".

I felt overwhelmed and feel into tears, I could not respond, I couldn't even say it back. it felt like a dream come true... totally out of the blue... and those things just don't happen to me! Never had at least! So he took me home a bit after that, it was late, we both had to get some sleep for the next day... I got home frustrated because I had not said it back to him. But I just did not know how!

The week went by, it was a messed up week... we couldn't find each other, my mind and my paranoia went insane... but Friday came.... and so did the weekend...

So it's Saturday night and I have this big doubt! "When should I say I love him?" he had already said that to me the weekend before and I guess that should have made it easier... but as the week went by I wasn't even sure what I had heard anymore, so I spent the weekend trying to say it and the time to come home arrived and I had said nothing.
AGAIN I got home depressed because It will be another week before I see him again, with that feeling just wanting to bust out my chest! So what do I do?! I send a cell phone message... saying I love him! Yeah, that was a coward move, I know... but hey! One step at a time... Now I can quiet my heart and when I see him again.. I will look in his eyes and say it... he will know it's true! He replied to my message, saying he was overwhelmed and happy. It was a nice happy ending!

We make our choices with the information we have at hand and we deal with the consequences. Very rarely do we have the complete picture of how events will unfold or how other individuals will impact or respond to our choices. We gamble our future happiness with every step we take and place ourselves in jeopardy with every word we say. But we try, at least I try... and that was my try to make things ok, to make my life more joyful, to let someone know they are important, loved... and that's it! A feeling kept inside has no impact, I thought sharing it... even if through a SMS message... would maybe put a smile on his face!

I feel like a big, raging ball of emotions. I can’t even begin to describe what. I feel so much that I wonder if I feel at all. It’s hard to isolate them sometimes.

I mean, here I am now, the one and only person in the world who has repeated to herself the sentence "Do not fall in love!" over and over again. What happened was... I convinced myself... and I got to the point where I thought I was incapable of loving someone.Expressing feelings has never been a strong point. I tend to try hard to make myself cold. Being vulnerable is not something I particularly enjoy. Which is why last night was so rare…letting myself cry, but more than that—realizing that I am so attached to him.

I had no idea. I didn’t want to know. It’s scary. I’m leaving. I could have gotten out. I almost did. But for some reason, I can’t even tell you why—I decided to stay. And then, within the month I was telling him I was in love. And now? I cringe at the thought of being without him.

How’s that for a bag of apples? I can’t say that I regret anything. There is not one thing about this relationship that I regret. Before anything happened I told a friend I didn’t want to waste my time with something that wouldn’t, that couldn’t, last. But the friend called my bluff. He told me I wasn’t worried about that—I was scared about loving something so much that it made leaving harder—that my decision was going to be whether or not I would leave someone behind that I really loved.

I hate it when other people see through me when I don’t. I like to think I’m a really introspective person, that I figure a lot of myself out. But those are only overall traits and characteristics. I shy away from the feelings of the moment. I don’t want to know. Why? That’s so strange. See, and even right now I’m looking at the overarching situation rather than trying to figure out what I really feel.

Because it’s fear.

Fear of losing him. Fear of being alone.

But most of all—

Fear of feeling anything.

Men can be sooo evil!

Sometimes I wonder, how can people be so evil... I mean there are many kinds of evil... but I will talk about one in specific... the type that just doesn't care that you feel!
I mean, imagine this situation... you've been going out for a few months now, and the weekend before he tells you he loves you for the first time, and you share the most wonderful moment. All is well... you simply don't think anything can go wrong... at least not until the next weekend, but then Thursday night comes, and you try to reach him everyway possible and you just can't find him. His cell phone is off, he knows your number by heart so anywhere he is... he could call and say all is ok. But instead he decided you are not worth it, that you being worried means jack...
So, there is my point... this is the evil I am talking about... Why the fuck did he tell you he loves you, when he doesn't even care enough to call?!?! that's not love, that's manipulation, he wanted to know how you felt, so HE could feel good. He never really felt anything towards you. But he wanted to see you melt... and he got it. So now he takes you for granted... I bet many people have gone through that, but this is my first time... and since for everything there is a first time.... this was bound to happen someday...
Right now, many things go through your head, maybe he fell asleep, and his phone is on silent; maybe someone got sick and he forgot his phone at home... maybe he had an accident.... but all those possibilities seem very distant from the cruel reality... the truth is He is probably fucking someone else! ( at least that's the top thing on every girls mind when you guys do that)!
I am paranoid, over jealous, but I never show it... he will never know that was even on my mind today. No matter what happens...
But the truth is, I feel free, I feel single. Like I could just go out right now and fuck anyone... it's not like he would care anyway!

Cities of the past

U. Penn

Philadelphia

London

Craphole! Coronel Fabriciano MG

Minot ND

Chicago

It is everything so new for me now... new city, new love, new friends.... but memories are priceless... and these are the images of cities of the past that lead me here today....

I have learned that it doesn't matter the city or the country you live in, if you aren't well where you are, running away won't help any... life has this funny thing that makes us always go back to the same place until you figure out that happiness is not in a place, not in someone else but in ourselves.